Group Hug

Folks, I’d like to sing a song about the American dream.
About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area, maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon. We don’t know
SUNG
I’m just a regular Joe with a regular job.
I’m your average white suburbanite slob.
I like football and porno and books about war.
I’ve got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.
My wife and my job, my kids and my car.
My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar.
But sometimes that just ain’t enough to keep a man like me interested oh no no way uhuh. No, I’ve gotta go out and have fun at someone else’s expense.
oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane,
While people behind me are going insane.
I’m an asshole He’s an asshole, what an asshole
I’m an asshole He’s an asshole, such an asshole
I use public toilets and piss on the seat,
I walk around in the summertime saying “How about this heat”
I’m an asshole He’s an asshole, what an asshole
I’m an asshole He’s the world’s biggest asshole
Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces,
While handicapped people make handicapped faces.
I’m an asshole He’s an asshole, what an asshole
I’m an asshole He’s a real fucking asshole
Maybe I shouldn’t be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they’re right when they tell me I’m wrong NAAAAH!
I’m an asshole he’s an asshole, what an asshole
I’m an asshole he’s the world’s biggest asshole
SPOKEN
You know what I’m gonna do I’m gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible, hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights. Yeah! And I’m gonna drive around in that baby at 115 miles an hour, getting 1 mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald’s in the oldfashioned non biodegradable Styrofoam containers! And when I’m done suckin’ down those grease ball burgers I’m gonna wipe my mouth on the American flag and then toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side, and there ain’t a Goddamned thing anybody can do about it. You know why Because we got the bombs, that’s why!
Two words—nuclear fucking weapons, OK Russia, Germany, Romania they can have all the democracy they want. They can have a democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tiananmen Square and it won’t make a lick of difference, because weve got the bombs, OK John Wayne’s not dead he’s frozen! And when we find a cure for cancer, we’re gonna thaw out the Duke and he’s gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why You ever taken a cold shower Well, multiply that by 15 million times. That’s how pissed off the Duke’s gonna be.
I’m gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes and Lee Marvin Hey and Sam Peckinpah Hey and a case of whisky Hey and drive down to Texas Hey, Hey, Hey
Hey you know you really are an asshole
Why dont you just shut up and sing this song pal.
I’m an asshole Hes an asshole, what an asshole
I’m an asshole Hes an asshole, what an asshole
A S S H O L E.
Everybody, A S S H O L E.
Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf
Fung Achng Tum Chng Fum Afung Fung Ooh
SPOKEN
I’m an asshole and I’m proud of it!