My Drunk Txts
- 958 He said I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it
- 303 i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
- 215 S So we broke up, and i went to visit her at her college cuz she wanted to fuck. R And..how was ...
- 808 I heard that if you put earphones in your nose, the sound comes out of your mouth. Applying the ...
- 347 Can I sleep on your couch My wife just found my eHarmony account.
- 816 If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
- 570 you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
- 720 I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adult...
- 951 OMFG i took his virginity!!!!!! recvd SCORE! wait...i thought your mom spent the night sent she ...
- 44 ok when i first hooked up with her i went down on her and i ripped the bit of flesh that connects...
- 91 Ya, she was loaded. The dog wouldn't stop humping her leg so she picked him up and jerked him off...
- 402 He grabbed my tits, then told me that it wasn't illegal because he was wearing oven mitts!
- 516 Remember last night how I drove to tacobell after the party well i woke up this morning and my c...
- 310 boyfriend just ate me out and he is really into pac man... he started to make the noises.
- 724 I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm i...
- 914 He threw me up against the wall, started making out with me, then said "I want to do creepy...
- 330 she called me a whore and laughed at me with her faggot friends. so i fucked her boyfriend , the...
- 215 just woke up in the back of my car in the lowes parking lot next to a half naked chick and a se...
- 402 I am a girl. And I'm pretty sure i Masturbate the same amount as guys. P
- 308 I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
- 206 I'M IN LOVE, she just told me that it was one her bucket list the "perfect the art of blow ...
- 843 he called to say sorry for eating all the almonds in our trail mix... there's no almonds in the ...
- 404 Dude...can you like send a girl an Easter basket full of condoms She's allergic to chocolate...b...
- 858 just because i like giving head does NOT mak me a slut. ima vegetarian i neeeeeed my protein whe...
- 815 I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
- 727 I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to ...
- 484 Today at work i went outside to clean the menu board thinking the fresh air would sober me up 61...
- 864 sent Is it bad that I asked the state trooper that pulled me over for his number recieved LMAO!!...
- 803 Got a fraud alert from my bank this morning because my tab so high last night
- 405 So the dentist told me I'd gag on the x ray thing when she put it in my mouth. When I didn't she...
- 0627 I love how when you orgasm you sound like chewbacca making a mating call.
- 516 its like they know people are going to see these movies high so they make them in 3D
- 760 After shaving my balls, i realized i still have a small dick...
- 512 she believed me when i told her we didnt allow pants in our apartment. i dont care if shes an id...
- 301 he fingered me and it was good until he gave me a wet Willy with that same finger.
- 713 you told the guy at the drive through you were getting ready for spring break so you asked for ...
- 785 I Love you. so wat if you played me for a fool, cheated on me..ignored me for days, fucked me an...
- 516 His drunken night ended with a car accident which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pus...
- 440 Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in...
- 704 she said, and i quote, i want to black out with my rack out
- 409 Can't move to Texas, I'm not legally female there.
- 714 Yeah, so, after we had sex, I was playing with his penis. We had music playing and I was making...
- 727 Snt "Dude my girl is so awesome!" Rcvd Snt I came home from work she was on her kn...
- 203 Dude, last night I got my first fuck, my first blowjob and my first handjob, all from different ...
- 716 Why do people feel the need to have themes at parties Why cant gettin wasted just be the theme a...
- 303 I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollarsone of which i use to snort m...
- 413 The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
- 505 Why is my dog wearing my bra 1505 You took like 7 shots then decided your dog's nipples were sag...
- 813 He invited me to see alison wonderland WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAMELAST NAME TYPE DEAL
- 724 I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm...
