My Drunk Txts
- Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last yea...
- Seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party
- I'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir i'm lean...
- Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this
- Do you think transformers take it up the exhaust pipe 1805 Dude when yur drunk you need to stop thin...
- If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, I like the colors of the l...
- I have a video of Jess dancing in the street last night 1604 So she does that all the time and you a...
- I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless y...
- You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
- Are you still pissed at me The reality is this...it would have died in 3 or 4 years anyway. We were ...
- I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
- I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
- Why did you just call me and leave the most random voicemail....ever! Lmao 1972 We have liquid pot. ...
- When the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you shoul...
- If one more stranger walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
- I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up...
- ..how does I will blow up your house and put your boner away come up in the same sentence.
- You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
- Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend request...
- Good cuz everyone likes boobies. They're the building blocks of society. Without boobies there'd b c...
- It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
- Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, It's probably just your prostate. Re...
- I didn't come to NYC to get fucked and left drunk in a cab in a city where I'm clueless 1386 Honestl...
- He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i...
- Apparently it's weird that I save condom wrappers. I'm saving them to remember my victims...like Dex...
- So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with ...
- Well... he was and I quote a really loyal and loving boyfriend until i told him i taught yoga
- It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK!
- I was hammered n went down on her n she was on her rag lol n when i can up n looked like i had a koo...
- So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like so are you celebrating cl...
- Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
- Her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying it's okay...
- I feel like a great embryoshaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
- After we did it she threw me a gatoraid and said get ready for round two 1661 You lucky fuck whats h...
- Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other ro...
- Roses are red, nuts are round. Skirts are up. Panties are down. Belly to belly. Skin to skin, when i...
- For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
- So how is hitting it while she is pregnant 1661 not to bad, its like cheating on my wife for 9 month...
- It's a long story that involves a squeaky bra.
- He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging an...
- I dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis i...
- Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
- It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
- New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggiestyle paddle.
- I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
- I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was reasons why I'm a whore in chronolo...
- He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It work...
- He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is bey...
- Do you know CPR because my dick stopped breathing.
- I was drunk on the train and actually told some lady congratulations for having a child with the mos...
