Fuck My Life
- Today, my 72 year old Grandmother informed me she's running for mayor. She's been going around town...
- Today, I bought a new, expensive face moisturizer. However, it smells like poop. I paid 20 dollars t...
- Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car....
- Today, I found out that there is literally a giant hole in my son's bedroom because my son wanted to...
- Today, I had a volleyball game against our rivals. I hit myself in the face with the ball 3 times, f...
- Today, I received my first compliment in a really long time. It went, Hey, you don't look like crap ...
- Today, on my way to work, the obese old guy in the house opposite mine offered me tips on my yoga te...
- Today, my mom told me I was conceived on Halloween. She thought it would be funny to say Let's just ...
- Today, I found out that one of my best mates had his backpack, clothes, and everything else in it st...
- Today, I went to the bookstore. While I was in line, I heard everyone talking about how a book cart ...
- Today, I found out that my employers hired me under the assumption that I was gay. Apparently, they ...
- Today, I learned that my apartment's walls are thin enough for my neighbors to hear my vibrator. I'v...
- Today, I was asked by my boss to prepare the 2011 budget for a medical center that serves 32,000 pat...
- Today, I had a stomach virus. I tried to make myself throw up to feel better. My long nails sliced o...
- Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won't be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor. ...
- Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said no, because she wasn't sure we would last. We've been t...
- Today, after finally getting up the nerve to take my motorcycle to up 75mph on the freeway, I made i...
- Today, I needed to take a pain pill. When I looked inside the pill bottle it was empty. I asked my b...
- Today, I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. In addition to pain, I'm having trouble peeing and hav...
- Today, my long lost father came to visit me. He got drunk then tried to hit me. My neighbor called t...
- Today, I was working the drivethru at Burger King. The customer pulled up, handed me his money, and ...
- Today, while browsing facebook I found out that today was my school's class reunion. I was the ONLY ...
- Today, I got grounded because I have a picture on facebook in which I'm touching the crotch of a car...
- Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I'm out of work and can't afford a cell pho...
- Today, I talked to my crush for half an hour. It wasn't until I was home that I realised I had some ...
- Today, I fell off my bike. I grazed my knee, shin, thigh, hip, collar bone, shoulder and face. I als...
- Today, I was at the grocery store with my five year old son when I had to go to the bathroom. After ...
- Today, I was at a party when I had to take a piss. When I was done, I discovered the door had been j...
- Today, I saw one of those candies that you spray on your tongue. Only after spraying some in my mout...
- Today, I was in the airport after saying goodbye to my boyfriend who left for three months. Walking ...
- Today, after almost a week of being bedridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean ...
- Today, I went to pay my grandma a visit. She called the cops because she didn't recognize me and tho...
- Today, I went to the blood bank to donate plasma. All went well until the machine went to return my ...
- Today, I found out that whenever my best friend used to say she wanted to do my dad, she wasn't kidd...
- Today, Burger King gave me a moldy bun. I noticed 15 of the way through the sandwich. My compensatio...
- Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey's stage name. I was then laughed at fo...
- Today, I walked in on my mom's boyfriend jacking off. The worst part was that he didn't stop. FML
- Today, I was going to meet my friend at a concert. I got there before her, so I went in to check out...
- Today, my roommate woke me up during afternoon nap to tell me that I need to move out. His reason Ou...
- Today, I was life guarding at a community pool and noticed a toddler go under water. I quickly jumpe...
- Today, I have discovered things not to do while drunk. Like shaving my legs. FML
- Today, I was forced to spend an extra 318 for another plane ticket to Dallas. The ticket wasn't for ...
- Today, I was out having a beer with a few friends. After getting a pint, I slipped in a puddle of be...
- Today, it's my nephew's second birthday. He was sitting on my lap, so I started tickling him. He lau...
- Today, after my husband's phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what ...
- Today, whilst working on my final year TV journalism project, I remembered how notorious our program...
- Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday. After spending a reasonable amount of cash to get us a nice h...
- Today, I took pictures of myself and my girlfriend doing naughty things together on my camera. My mo...
- Today, my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. He brought me to our favorite restaurant and orde...
- Today, I heard two of my students having a conversation. One asked what state Arizona was in, and th...
